ShaDe: White Rose Garden

I remembered the first smile you sent me, my heart said something I never heard of,
My heart beats a fluctuate rhythm.
My mind asked what was the red swans doing in my head?

You called my name, I saw flowers along the path I'm heading.
I asked the brain if this is just something that we could calculate and get the answer.
Still, IQ of 200 did not work on this matter.

I walked towards you, and I saw roses. Red and white roses.
You gave me your hand and I held it.
Suddenly, we were trapped in a garden full of beautiful roses.
But being a woman, I only saw the beauty but not the thorns.
This heart was not aware that the garden it went to was not sweet all along.

The roses that I saw was not red at all. They're white. White bleeding roses.
That was when I saw the thorns.
I tried to touch them but I got flicked at the end of my pointy fingers.
I tried to hide my feelings, honestly I was scared.
You said it was alright and I believed.

365 days had passed, the bloody roses started to fade away showing the pure white flower.
We both know it wasn't enough for us to learn about each other yet.
So we decided to stay in the garden.
We both started to love each other so deep.
Too deep, I moved on from a thorn to another thorn.
From a scar to another scars.
Nothing matter but you.

Another year went on, kissing was our language.
We believed this world was our everything.
Bees came harvested our sweet stories.
Lovebird only knows happiness and beautiful touches.
Although the blood wasn't there, the thorns were still not leaving.
We made mistakes, hurting and forgave each other.
Yes, there once was forgiveness in our series.

Third year came around, white roses turned red. Again. This time, it came with flame.
We did not know how it happened so we blind ourselves with lies.
The whole garden was on fire but you said it was alright.
We stand on our feet watching each other in the blazing day, in a blazing way.
We tried to save each other but the surrounding was too hard to deal with.

After a while, we look around.
The fire vanished but the smokes was still there poking into our eyes and noses.
We were standing in the garden full of dead roses.
We knelt, silence and tears came between us.
We asked ourselves how did it happened?
The answer knocked with a 'too-late' news.

There was a time when we need each other but chose to ignore.
There was a time where the shoulders was filled with burden but chose to seal it.
There was a time where you and I disappoint each other but chose to let ego in.
There was a time when we realized the broken feelings could be fixed, but we let it grew.
And there was a time where we realized, we almost had everything but chose to turn away.

Behind every kiss, behind every touch, behind every 'I love you',
Was actually expressed by lust yet we believed it was love.
Since the love that we built was so bland,
It will forever rest as a memory in my very personal heart.

P/s: I still love you.

copyright Sharmira Delilah Anak Budit

Comeback Señorita

It has been a while since I haven't post anything on my blog. My life has been so great. I still remember one of my post about how my future will look like in five years ahead. Four things lingered in my mind which is homeless, graduating or married to royal and one more thing I can't remember. Hahaha.. Married to royal is really dumb of me to ever dream on it. But things are never impossible. We saw Kate Middleton is now married to Prince William. They had three children together and their marriage is still blooming. Next, we can see Meghan Markle married Prince Harry (my love ahahhahaha). Nothing is impossible since I am not a married woman yet. 

Now back to the four things I imagined about five years ago. Now is the day I can elaborate about the progress. I graduated a year ago after five years journey at a teacher's institute. I got posted on January 2019 after unemployed for six months (being unemployed is really great and bored at the same time, which I will share about in my next post), working under the Ministry of Education as a primary school's teacher. I can say that I am having a great time with my colleague and students. For now... 

Talking about married a royal, I actually found a prince. Prince of my heart. <3 We have been in love for four years now. I know it is a great news which I should share here on my blog but I didn't since I rarely update my blog for a really long time. His name is Josh and guess what?? He's from the same neighborhood. We live watching each other grows up but never really had a chance to say hi. Then, one day on a Christmas morning, magic happens. Bam! We're couple. Hahaha.. Things were really great between us. 

He has been an amazing boyfriend to me. I believe that he is the one for me. Really, because of the way he treats me, the way he look at me is really promising. 

That's all for the comeback. I am going to write so many things about the things where I left. Love Life, Studies, Graduate, Unemployed, Interviews, and Work.  I am sure that things are going to be worth the read.

Mi Madre & Mi Padre

"Family is not an important thing. It's everything." -Michael J. Fox-

          Yes, they're not an important thing but they're everything to me. I am so grateful for being born into this family which is full of love and less hatred among us. Since they're everything, I should show them to the world about how great they can be to me. I bet the same thing goes to you guys too. 

 

          There you go. Parent's wedding picture. It's an old picture yet memorable. This was the beginning of our happy family. Her name is Maria Deta and we call her mama with 'k' and his name is Budit Elui. Mom is a Land Dayak(Bidayuh) and daddy is a Sea Dayak (Iban). Once, there's a tale saying that Bidayuh and Iban were enemy. Ibanese will slaught Bidayuh people if they met each other. But now, they even marry each other! It's not only them, but there are more mix couple that live happily until today. What makes it great is my daddy is a son to an Iban warrior which trained some enemy's heads long time ago when Sarawak still in the state of colonize. (Sarawak Ranger) 

         My father is a very hardworking man since he has always been praised by his employer due to his neat job and never cheat. Although he seldom do chores at home, we do understand how tired he is once he got back from working. Since he had so many daughters, why would he bother doing it, right? Haha.. Next, he's a strict man and hardly talk to us about our life. That's one of the negative part of him but never mind. That's the reason why we grown into non-social buddies. He helped us for other things like giving us expenses, buying our stuff and send us to colleges. What's great about him is, he never getting old! Still the man from this picture!

        Alright, here I go talking about the most 'kind' mother in this world. Why I said that? Here's the reason:

1) Never shout, never yell but unlike my dad, she always curse.

2) Simply give us money and buy us something unexpected.

3) Sometimes annoying because she never reply our questions gracefully.

4) Trademark answer: 'hmm..'

5) JUST TOO KIND!!!

Haha... that's some of the reason but honestly speaking. She's just too kind and I can't help with that. She can't oppose some of her children's  request. Sometimes, she give up to herself for people's sake. She rather have nothing than watching other's craving for something. She spend her money on everyone. She love helping people and take good care of other's feeling. That's my mom. She's too kind. I love her for that but at some point, I can't accept. And one last thing, she makes a perfect role of a mother and I can't express  that through words but heart.

    Love them so much. I wish time goes by slowly because I don't wanna get older. When I'm getting older, meaning that they're older too. I don't wanna lose them. One thing I used to pray for is to let me go first before them. <3

     

Only One Heart

Once, my feeling was played. It broke so badly.

My heart might healed, but a cut left a mark.

Rejection is my biggest fear.

Boys are my friends, but I've always escape from being a lover to them.

I got accepted once and got rejected once by the same man who finally said "You're just like my sister." when he was actually the first one who wrote to me saying he likes me, love me. I replied his letters more than six times with hope. It crushed when he finally replied me saying I'm just like a sister to him.

How a guy can play around with a lady's heart. Don't they know that it's fragile like a quote/note we used to see at supermarket at the glasses department, "once it broke, consider sold." A woman have only one heart. Just one..

One rejection makes me reject every each of proposal. Why?
Because I'm in fear. That feelings are freshly stay like it was yesterday.
I'm afraid to have a new person entering my life and lose them.
I'm just not ready.

Now, how am I going to leave my trust to a man? I can't.

Only able to leave this matter to God since he's the only man I believe, trust and hope.

p/s:  A message to guys,
        Don't play with a heart.

Marine and Ordinary (LDR)

Pic source: Lady in a Garden Artwork by Edmund Blair Leighton Oil Painting & Art Prints on canvas

I'll be waiting,

At the balcony full of tense,

Till you come back from hunting,

Then, I'll make it sense.

I'll be there behind those letters,

Writing, reading and humming.

What hope, you left me bitter,

Till the day I see you coming.

When you're finally here,

Don't lend me your shoulder. 

Just listen to the music of tears,

Until you realize I'm crying within the border. 

When you listen to this song,

Know that I'm someone's belong..

(ShaDe, 2015)

I want a job. (Theatre Production)

How I miss our production! I just can't believe how far I left that world. It's no fun at all right now learning all those theories. Now I realise that I have to do something that makes me satisfy. And the only thing that gives me satisfaction is THEATRE!
Anyone, hire me! I'll be the best servant you people will never had in this world!

Kesenian ke Kuguruan

         Pengalaman Berasaskan Sekolah (PBS) dilakukan di sekolah rendah saya saya sendiri iaitu SK Bobak/Sejinjang Bau. Mengapa saya memilih sekolah tu? Sebab saya membesar selama 6 tahun di sana. Jadi, sebagai alumni mestilah saya nak berbakti sikit kat sekolah tu. Walaupun hanya seminggu, tetapi saya tetap berasa puas hati kerana dapat bekerjasama dengan guru-guru yang pernah mendidik saya dahulu. Apa yang best adalah mereka semua sangat peramah dan mesra serta mudah memberi kerjasama! Itu membuatkan saya berasa sangat selesa menjalankan program PBS. Kalau boleh nak extend lagi PBS tu sebab enjoy sangat-sangat.

         Apa yang lagi menarik adalah murid-murid yang comel belaka. Ada yang gendut, ada yang kurus, ada yang murai, ada juga yang pemalu. Personaliti mereka tu masing-masing menjadi pelengkap sesama sendiri untuk mencipta memori. Sejujur-jujurnya, saya rindu sangat-sangat zaman persekolahan saya dahulu sewaktu sekolah rendah. Mereka tak kisah apa yang berlaku. Adalah krisis, gaduh-gaduh, tapi tu semua hanya sementara. Apa yang diorang tahu cuma happy-go-lucky. Tak ada yang nak fikir macam-macam, stress atau masalah macam kita yang dah dewasa ni. 

          "Selamat Pagi, Cikgu!!!" Dengan ceria mereka memberi salam walaupan belum sempat saya menghabiskan satu langkah. Biasalah kan, kanak-kanak. Mereka sukakan guru baru. Apapun, saya bersyukur apabila saya sedar secara official menerima ucapan pertama dari murid-murid. 

Secara perlahan, minat saya untuk menjadi seorang pendidik semakin membuak-buak. Tak sabar rasanya.

Dari merangkak sehingga berjalan, 

Jasamu guru takkan ku lupakan,

Walaupun dah beralih ke bidang keguruan, 

Takkan ku lupa bidang kesenian, 

Mengajar saya erti kehidupan, 

Sedarkan saya untuk membina masa depan.

Salam Senimanku.